THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS

HAPPY?

I'm currently struggling to get any kind of volume of poker in at the moment mainly for 3 reasons,

1) My Dads illness, I'm spending as much time as I can with him and I'm more than happy to do so.
2) The computer I'm using has seen better days and runs as slow as a snail with a hard on.
3) My overall frame of mind.

My Dads leukemia I can't influence. I would move Heaven and Earth to have the ability to do something about it but I can't its totally beyond my control.The PC I'm using is well within my control and in the next few days it will be replaced with a nice shiny new one.

My frame of mind is totally under my control, but sometimes I'm not so sure...

I truly believe I should have control over my mind however I'm currently having a daily battle to keep a smile on my face and feel positive, not for one minute do I think I'm losing this battle, its just such a struggle, an effort and a fight I could do without as its sapping my motivation in nearly every area of my life not just poker. This morning I was lying in bed having been awake since 5am, I didn't have work so was pissed off at the thought of being awake when I should be sleeping soundly. I was chatting with friends on Facebook and had sent a few "tweets" everything I wrote had a cheerful tone however I felt as miserable as sin.

On Friday morning I had some wonderful news when Jose 'Girah' Mecado contacted me regarding my previous blogpost, he loved it and has offered to help me with my game, I was elated! Friday night I had a fantastic time with my old school mates at our latest reunion and on saturday I went to Haydock races and once again had a good "craic" with some great friends, so whats my problem?

You Choose.

At any given time we have the option to choose our dominant thoughts and I'm currently not choosing mine very wisely. I'm focusing for some reason on whats missing in my life, I'm focusing on events from my past both positive and negative, when I have positive memories, after the initial warm glow I'm longing for those times and I'm feeling the pain of regret for my actions that led to those memories becoming just that, memories and not some ongoing part of my life. The negative thoughts, well that just speaks for itself, negative thinking is like a downward spiral, one after the other the thoughts just drag you down and attract more thoughts of the same ilk until something either internal or external breaks the cycle.

External things certainly do help but really, nothing outside of ourselves is permanent, it can be taken away in an instant, the people we love, the possesions that bring us pleasure, even things like hobbies that we enjoy and places that we like visiting, things can happen that can remove the external joys of life.

We as individuals should try to cultivate happiness and positivity from within and not be so reliant on the external influences to provide our happiness, that way the winds of change that blow through our lives and sometimes cause havoc, have less of an effect. Mindfulness is a technique from the Buddhist tradition that I'm currently using to combat some of the negative thoughts, images and feelings that I'm wrestling with on a daily basis, without Mindfulness I'm not sure how I would cope. Simply put Mindfulness is all about focusing on "NOW" not regretting the past or living on past glories, not worrying about the future, what I call anticipatory dread, that fear of the unknown, most of the time it never materialises so we waste valuable time and nervous energy on nothing. Mindfulness originally was a way of me staying fully focused on my poker, so I stayed calm cool and collected playing a game for profit that can truly drive a person round the proverbial bend! Now its quickly becoming a life saver.

When I decided I was going to write a blog, at the back of my mind I was hoping by thinking out loud I would put myself under positive pressure and follow through with the actions I need to take on a daily basis to realise my goals, well it's certainly doing that, as I'm writing this now its also helping me to clarify my thought processes and to count my many blessings.

I've got a new life now, with some fantastic people in it, I know where I'm going and believe 100% that I will get there, however I'm heading in that direction a wee bit slower than originally planned, but its all GOOD.